apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize
