I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Randomize
