11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Randomize
