Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
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