Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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