Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
