My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
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