my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Randomize
