i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Just mADE A PArabola og urine
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
