he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
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