sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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