How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
