woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
