My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
