You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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