u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
