im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
