So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I got inside last night via doggy door
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Randomize
