I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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