I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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