I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Randomize
