you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
not ubering you a puppy
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
