he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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