you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Found the puke drawer
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
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