This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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