Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
We had to coat check the pizza.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize
