if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize