just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
