Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Randomize
