Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Randomize
