I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
