can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
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