My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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