For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
