My liver just broke up with me...
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
MIDGETS
????
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
