Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
