We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
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