Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
That's when you crack a 10am beer
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
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