he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
