when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Randomize
