dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
