In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
