when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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