omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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