you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
