you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
