Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Randomize
