You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
