Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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