PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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